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Got a good reason For taking the easy way out




~THURSDAY 13

~13 PG-RATED GRANDPARENT JOKES~
[in honor of Grandparent's Day September 9th]



<>1<>

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

<>2<>

A little boy tells his father that he wants to get married.

His father laughs and says, "Well, you'll need to find a lady to marry."

"I've found one!" says the little boy

"Who?" father asks

"Grandma!" the little boy says.

His father laughs again,"You can't marry my mother!"

"Why not!" the little boy complains, "You married mine!"

<>3<>

Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town Texas prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I! 'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

<>4<>

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

<>5<>

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

<>6<>

An officer pulls an old lady over for speeding. When he asks for her license she says she has none, and she stole the car. When he asks if he can search the vehicle she tells him no, she doesn't want him to find the weed in the glove compartment, or the dead body in the trunk.
Well the officer gets spooked and calls for back up. An older officer responds, the officer tells the older officer the whole story. The older officer walks up to the car and asks her about the dead body in the trunk. She gets out and shows the officer the trunk. No dead body. So he asks about the weed in the glove box. No weed. Then he asks about her stealing the car, she shows the older officer the ownership papers AND her license, then says to the older officer:
"I bet the jerk accused me of speeding too?"

<>7<>

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

<>8<>

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool even though she was worried what the child may have been told. "That's
interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'

<>9<>



<>10<>

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table.

The children (naughty little rascals) sneak a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.

When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" asked his concerned children.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom to pee. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back."

<>11<>

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."

The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

<>12<>

Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be,
This widow had a grown-up daughter, with flowing hair of red,
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife,
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.


Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run,
And this made him my grandson, for he was my daughter's son,
My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me very blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's now my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild,
And every time I think of this, it simply drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw,
As the husband of my grandmother, I am now my own grandpa!

<><>13<><>
<><> Tribute to ALL Grandmas <><>

The computer swallowed grandma.


Yes, honestly it’s true!
She pressed ‘control’ and ‘enter’
and disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely;
the thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
or been eaten by a worm.
I’ve searched through the recycle bin
and files of every kind;
I’ve even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
not a thing was found ‘online.’
So, if inside your ‘Inbox,’
My Grandma you should see,
Please ‘Copy,’ Scan’ and ‘Paste’ her
And send her back to me.

16 comments :

  1. hahaha!!


    Very fun post, Anni!

    What I needed!


    Junie

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  2. I'm going to copy some of them, share them with my friends, and perhaps even shamelessly take credit. I can't help myself. Some of these are really funny!

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  3. LOL....thanks for the laugh:) Happy TT.

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  4. very cute and amusing!! what a hoot!

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  5. oh my gosh this is awesome! Thanks for the laughs!

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  6. This made me laugh - a truly enjoyable post. Exactly what I needed after a busy workday! Thanks, XINE

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  7. For me the best was the Texan grandma !!

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  8. That was very amusing. I liked it.

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  9. Oh, excellent!!! And if you check out my TT, you'll see that I needed a giggle!!! Here's one for you:

    An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

    "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor?

    "Not a chance" she said. "He don't even take an aspirin".

    "Not a problem", replied the doctor "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

    It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

    "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

    "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

    "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

    "Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

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  10. Hi Anni. great Grandma jokes, im glad I was home alone I was laughing quite loudly im glad nobody came to the door... Hahahaha

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  11. Too, too funny. Thanks for the laughs.

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  12. Ohhhh these are hysterical!!! I'm going to take them to Curves! LOL!

    For some reason Google Reader didn't tell me you had new stuff - for this post or the Pavarotti! ??? wonder what's up with that!?

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  13. OMG I am stil laughing! Very funny TT13 particularly the #9 clip. Thanks for cheering up my day.

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  14. LOL thanks for the laugh! Good stuff!

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  15. Oh my word! That was truly a "hoot"!

    Happy Thursday!

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  16. Oh my that was great. I enjoyed my self very much. Thank you for the great laugh.
    Sarah

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