Hee Haw!!!!

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CAMERA CRITTERS




[taken at King's Ranch in Kingsville, Texas]



WEEKEND FUNNIES

Ranchers, ranch hands and wives and...uh, pigs?---

The washing machine at Bart's house had a meltdown and his wife replaced it with a new washer/dryer combination leaving them with a dryer still in good working condition. Bart asked his wife, "What are you going to do with the old dryer? She responded, "I'm going to put a sign on it saying 'In Good Working Condition - Take It If You Need It' and set it out on the lawn next to the street. There's bound to be a young couple just starting out that can use it." However, a week later the dryer was still out on the lawn and Bart decided it was time for him to work his magic. He told his wife, "Twenty years of tradin' cattle has taught me all there is to know about people and marketing. Asking nothing for something tells people it's worth nothing. Watch the master and learn." Bart proceeded to change the sign to read, "Outstanding Dryer with Lots of Years of Dependable Service Remaining. ONLY $99.95" When he got home that evening, he noticed the dryer was gone so he entered the house and triumphantly asked his wife, "Who's the best and why am I ? Tradin' dryers is no different than tradin' cattle. How much did you get for it ?" With a smirk on her face, she said, "Nothing." Bart exploded, "What did you do? Give it away when you had a cash customer?" Trying her best not to laugh, she answered, "I have to hand it to you, Bart -- You really know people and marketing. Someone stole it."

- - -


Late one evening, Bart heard some strange noises outside. He peered out the back door and saw 2 or 3 guys stealing things out of his barn. He phoned the police and was asked, "Have they made an attempt to enter your house?" Slightly miffed by the question, Bart replied, "No -- But they haven't emptied the barn yet." The dispatcher said all patrols were busy, but she would send the first one that was available. Bart waited a minute and called the police again, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my barn. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot all the SOB's!" Then he hung up. Within five minutes, 3 police cars, a Swat team, and 2 ambulances showed up at Bart's and caught the burglars red-handed. Accusingly, the officer in charge said to Bart, "I thought you told the dispatcher you shot them." Unconcerned, Bart replied, "I thought she said there weren't any units available."

- - -

A guy walk into the Redneck Bar and orders a white wine. The place goes kind of quiet and the bartender says, "You ain't from around here are yah feller?". The guy replies, "No, I'm from Canada!". The bartender asks, "what do yuh do up thar in Canada, Mister?". The Canadian tells the bartender, "I'm a taxidermist!". The bartender says, "What's that, yuh drive a taxi yuh mean?". The Canadian kind of snickers and says, "No I mount animals!". The bartender looks around at the locals and says, "It's OK fellas, he's one of us!".

- - -

Five Little Pigs ~ A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles apart. So they decided to drive 30 miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5a.m. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant?' The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, They're not. The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass. 'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon, honking the horn!''