my POETRY | ANNI'S BOOK CRITIQUES | my ART | my BIRD photography | MLB | NFL | hurricanes



Got a good reason For taking the easy way out
Black and White Background courtesy of free backgrounds




bathroom, biopsy and babbling....


weekend funnies is co-hosted by Gattina


- - -

MY SIX WORDS this week are:

HAVE A SAFE, HAPPY HALLOWEEN WEEKEND!!!


- - -<><><>- - -

CAMERA CRITTERS










A critter from
OUTER SPACE












- - -<><><>- - -

WEEKEND FUNNIES

This is a long story...Erik forwarded this to me through an email, and it was too funny not to share today---

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really!! I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies:
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?'


'early colonoscoy' graphic found through Google Images

20 comments :

  1. Oh. My. Word.
    I'm dying over here! I was trying to read this while eating my breakfast cereal, which is hard to do while you are laughing. I quickly gave up on that plan, and soon had to leave the area to get a kleenex, as I had tears running down my face from the laughter.
    I have to have one of these procedures in a few months for the first time. Can't wait for that prep! :)
    Would you mind if I posted this around that time? (With credit to you, of course)

    ReplyDelete
  2. You crack me up, lol

    ReplyDelete
  3. OMG...Hahahahahahahahahahahhaha...
    YOU R D BEST! Always!
    YOUR BLOG ROCKS like a TSUNAMI!
    Woooohooooooooooooooo!
    Have you a WONDERFUL TREAT!
    hugs with lots of love,
    shakira

    ReplyDelete
  4. That was just too funny not to comment! Been there done that twice now and it is definitely not funny having to have it done. Docs should pass that story on when they tell their patients they are going to have this done to them. By the way, my first one was done while I was awake...not. nice. at. all! Was happier [if possible] for the 2nd one. Thanks for the humor and great posts!

    ReplyDelete
  5. All right! Love those lines! Makes the undignified tolerable. Wish I had the energy for Halloween that you do. We do, however, have a Spandex Trio featured on our blog! At least I'm getting photos of people in the Halloween spirit!

    Love your camera critter!

    ReplyDelete
  6. LOL Anni been there done that!!!
    Great commentary....
    Happy Saturday and I hope you are feeling better.
    Madi and Mom

    ReplyDelete
  7. hilariously funny!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, my goodness, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It is SO true! Every bit of it. After all that miserable prep, the procedure is nothing, and the feeling of peace when you wake up is amazing. ALMOST makes it worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Humor is wonderful! It lightens serious moments. "...feel the beat of the tambourine" rofl! I sooo love the witches rhyme, took a look around and enjoyed your latest art pieces. Thanks Anni and happy halloween!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh Annie Sweetie...
    I am laughing so hard, this is SO stinkin cute. You are always good for the hardest laugh. I love reading what you have to share each time you post. Yours truly are the BEST.

    DH has one coming up so I will be sure he reads this he will love it for sure. So cute.

    Your critter from outer space is quite cute. I have always wondered what critters out there looked like. Thank you for showing me. I can always rely on you for an education. I love you sweet friend.

    I have been having some problems with my legs so I haven't been able to sit as long at my computer. It is times like these that I so wish I had a laptop, then I could work from my chair or my bed. Well maybe I can add it to my list for Santa, right....

    I pray you and Bud are well. Have a beautiful weekend together and have fun on Halloween. I love you icon for this month. You are spoo-tac-ular sweetie. Many hugs and so much love, Sherry

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anni, this was so cute. Thanks for posting. Having had several of these things...I certainly understand.

    ReplyDelete
  12. LMAO!!!

    Thanks for stopping by! :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Very cute post and Happy Halloween to you!
    Micki

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh goodness, Anni, this is too funny. As a veteran colonoscopy patient, I can attest to its verity, which is exceeded only by its hilarity. When I had my first one (1992) I went to sleep and don't remember any of it. Now it seems I don't breathe well, so they don't put as much mellow stuff into the gizmo in my arm, and I'm awake through the whole thing.
    Senator Colonel John Glenn and his young comrades, in order to become America's first astronauts, had to be given every medical test then in the book, and they said the worst one was the colonoscopy. They called it The Steel Eel.

    Kay, Alberta, Canada
    An Unfittie's Guide to Adventurous Travel

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks and right back atcha!

    ReplyDelete
  16. What a scary critter or creature. Loved the funnies, Annie. And the colonoscopy story is funny too. You do have a great sense of humor.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hehe. The prep is worse than the procedure, i can vouch for that!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Loved the last part - don't want to think about what was before!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hehehe, this cartoon is terrific ! I came back yesterday evening and am a little groggy !

    ReplyDelete

.