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Got a good reason For taking the easy way out
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Not so recently....but recent enough....like maybe since hubby*** retired from his government job--I've found that that was a crossroad of my life, and kids no longer living with us to which we now had no responsibilities but to each other and most importantly to self and sanity? I was going through a 'relationship upheaval'. And being defined as "a process of being heaved upward" isn't as exciting and as erotic as it would appear!!

Have you ever had the experience of being the sole housekeeper on the weekends after a grueling week at work; then cook, be maid and chauffeur, and hostess to a score of friends --being the boss of what's done, how it's done and when? Then, all of a sudden after 40 odd years, you have a new guy move in? Your husband of some years?----------and he thinks after decades of successful work you've done around the home, that you've accomplished, is no longer the correct way to do things?

Okay, so at this turning point in our lives, we decided that there needs to be boundaries. Yep, boundaries. And the 'we' in this case was ME!

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If one vacuums the other goes outside, rain or shine. Ya, that works wonders. When the suckin' machine is in motion....get outta the way!!! (I'm known to throw things if perturbed [wink]) So, that was boundary numero uno, stay the heck away when I'm trying to suck up your cookie crumbs and toe jam.

TWO? Stay clear of my washing machine. You don't know beans about bleach concepts, nor how to correctly measure, set the water level or temp.....you come near my machine, and it's so long fingers!! I can use a choppin' block for other purposes than cubing meats or dicing veggies ya know!!! Do you remember the story of Lorena Bobbit? I mean, honestly sweet cheeks----the name Bobbit ring a bell? Or perhaps conjure up a graphic picture for you in any way? Think long and hard! [pun not intended]

THREE? If there isn't enough spice in the stew ---YOU cook next time!!! That'll usually shut 'em up in record time. Or another ulterior motive would be get up from the table-toss the meal down the disposal....change your clothes to something that is deemed presentable for McDonald's* [on second thought, the sweats you're wearing so stylishly is suitable....grab the keys!!] And tell him if he wants to eat, he'd better hop along in the car ...'cause tonight, that's all the goodies he's gettin'!!! How does a spicy fish fillet sound? And as you're driving down the road with him as the passenger ---don't forget the all important question: "Didya want that super-sized, and how many extra pepper packets do you want with that?"
*ANY fastfood restaurant will do, since most men would prefer being home, belching in his undies at his own dinner table with the TV audible so the neighbors in the next town can hear it!

FOUR? Furniture wax is to be sprayed on furniture!!! And lightly...not where there is a white crop circle the size of Texas at it's center! The carpet below the table doesn't need furniture wax. Trust me. Even the cats scurry away when they see dear hubby hoisting from the lower cupboard his magical potion called Pledge Lemon. No, really ---they run for cover!

FIVE? The remote goes HERE! And you take him by the hand and guide him across the room to a special remote/TV guide holder that was 'specially made for such things as ---god forbid--the remote!!!

SIX? Ummmmm, ya. The time has come to this. There will be a HIS and HERS bath. My name is written all over the masterbath doorway. See? Again, off limits. Oh, and notice ---the mirror above the vanity? Nice, sparkly.....remains clean at ALL times!!! While on the other hand, if you choose to admire the handsome face you carry proudly above your shoulders in YOUR mirror....here's where the glass cleaner is kept. ---And paper towels are always handy dandily stored on a rack!-----get to wiping off that Noxema Shave Cream you love to see splattered into a not so symmetrical design. Oh and if that scummy stuff doesn't come off too well? ----it's more than likely dried snot from your hacking----get to scrubbing. You HAVE heard of elbow grease, right? And no..........it's not found in the cupboard or on a store shelf anywhere. It's a synomym for muscle. Use 'em. Once again, repeat after me ---masterbath....Anni's!!! Hall bath ---yours. And for being a good li'l boy, I'll let you even keep the seatie up after you're done with your pee pee! Have at-er kiddo!!! Free reign. [*Hides the Pledge as these rules are set, knowing that the seat just may get a waxy crop circle slathered on it*]

SEVEN? Oh sanitizing. Can we talk? There seems to be a question of my abilities to sanitize things? Your education on cleaning and sanitizing astounds me!! With me, by mixing my own potion--it's far less work and time consuming than buying from the shelf? Ya think? Let's look at it this way:

You get dressed, get in the car, drive to the store, read all the product labels, go through the checkout stand, swipe your card and call me 'cause you forgot the pin number---wait for it to be bagged while being 'approved'---get in the car [notice that the front fender was nicked by some unsuspecting run-a-way cart], back up, wait to get out of the lot, have to stop at every blessed traffic light, get home and by then, you're out of the mood to get things sterile!!! AND --While you did this much easier task...I mixed the sanitizer, labeled my bottle, cleaned and, you guessed it--- sanitized the countertops and floors ---still having time to enjoy a bit of quiet time while you were proving your point waiting for the 3rd stop light to allow your lane to move with ease!!!

EIGHT? Now, this one's tricky. Me Jane, you Tarzan!! Trash is your destiny. The weighty stuff that it is. Besides, all that is said and done, fingernails CAN break. And if they do---everything comes to a complete halt while they're repaired with super-glue!! [*looks away from the secret drawer where the super glue is stored*]. This might entail you to walk around the rooms and inspect all the baskets, empty the paper shredder, clean the cat box [*That's always fun to hear you gag at the smell---makes owning cats worth it, if you want my opinion*]---empty the recycle bin ---the PLASTIC and aluminum bin that is. While you're looking at the computer, I must reiterate---that too is my property...recycle bin and all!!! Just the trash, Tarzan....and ONLY trash!! Oh, and it goes out to the curb each and every Monday and Thursday. Simple enough. And lucky you....you get to have a few days off on this job. Typical government employee....even a retiree gets a day off duties when it's holidays for Mondays and Thursdays. And ---yay, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years!! It just doesn't get any better Tarzan!! Trust me. Oh and, FYI---recycle day is every other Thursday. Nifty.

NINE? Oh, and when I was a girl growing up with dreams of a white picket fence, two kids, a couple of housepets, new car and wonderful trips along with a loving, caring, giving husband---in those dreams and wonderment, there were NO HASH marks that I was destined to remove and spray constantly with SHOUT before doing laundry!!! First--toilet paper. Use it!! It's made for a purpose---and it's NOT to blow your nose in it, believe me. Second--perhaps maybe you should consider using the hamper in the laundry shoot. Hey---good invention. It actually HOLDS dirty clothes. The bathroom floor is supposed to be free of clutter and dirty clothes! Floor-walking. Hamper-clothes. TP?--wipe the butt!! I'm a wife, not a mother of a 2 year old who needs to be trained and shown the ropes of personal hygiene.

TEN? I may have once told you in my hour of ecstasy, that I can be trashy? FORGET it!!! I don't go to the curb on ANY given day. Got that?

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100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?


***And in all fairness, my hubby isn't this way at all!!!! He is a wonder. And I love him bunches. Couldn't ask for a better partner in grime!!!!

8 comments :

  1. ROFLMBO!!! I gotta tell ya -- My Aunt Marion was a stay at home housewife for her entire life... married out of high school - never worked a day! UNTIL her husband retired! She put up with him home for about 3 months and then got a job at the local 5 & Dime! She said it was THAT or divorce! (it might be like that at MY house too! We'll see!) LOL!

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  2. Very very good. My hubby is not at all like that...course he is still working too..but I cannot see him being that way. I wish that he WOULD help sometimes!! What a post!! very good!! Thanks for stopping by my blog. Miss Daisy and I had a great time like we always do. We may just go into the NEW SUPREMES business...well at least we do know how to CLEAR A ROOM NOW!! Sandy

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  3. This was great fun. Loved it. Our retirement worked a bit different, because my husband had his office in our home, so I was the one who messed up the routine when I retired.

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  4. Great blog entry§ When my dad retired her took over the whole kitchen - and suddenly he was the best cook! Where was he all those years my mom worked and took care of 5 kids?? huh?
    Hugs
    LL

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  5. This was so funny!! Is that what I have to look forward to when my husband retires? Oh dear.....

    Thanks for a great laugh.

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  6. Firstly Thank you for Visit and Comments.
    When my hubby and I retired from a very successfull business. WE bought a house in the country that needed renovating/ sold our house in the city.moved full time to country .as far as house work mine was inside hes was outside.then we bought a caravan and went away for 4 months in winter.(see archives June 2006 then Oct0ber7) please return often, as I will to you i like what i see Take Care

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  7. Come on over and warm yourself at our flaming new blog look and have a a drink. It's supposed to be temporary, just to get rid of the Santa, but I'm not sure, maybe I grow too fond of it... *lol*

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  8. Well, I do have my own rules and regs about the running of our household, but I let Hubby cook from time to time...however, he makes too many darn dishes to suit me and rarely cleans up after himself, so I tend to shoo him away when he mentions he wants to "help out"...LOL.

    Loved your helpful hints, Heloise-Anni! These are definitely maxims to live by!

    Hugz!

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